5 Ways to Work on Yourself in a Relationship
Where my fellow codependents at?
Making time to work on ourselves can be exhausting and downright painful, regardless of our marital status. The majority of us would rather poison ourselves with alcohol and drugs, force down feelings with food, or, in light of today’s topic, occupy ourselves with our partner’s problems than face the truth.
I’m not the first person to believe avoidance of our truths and traumas causes addiction.
For codependents like myself, diving deep can be an arduous task. To avoid it, we get lost in another person, making it impossible to decipher where our partner ends, and we begin. We often sacrifice our wellbeing to make our lover happy, whether they ask us to or not. Before we know it, we have a laundry list of resentments and irritations. Instead of looking at our part, we put the blame on the other person.
So, how do we break this cycle?
The following practices help me keep the focus on myself in my current relationship. Some of these methods match the ones I discussed in my other article about the pandemic plight. However, I wanted to tailor this article to relationships, since lockdown has put many to the test!
1. Get in touch with your higher self
Our higher self bridges the gap between our mortal existence and God, the universe, Spirit, all of the above. It’s our intuition — the voice that speaks to us from the best version of ourselves. The more we hon in on that voice, the happier we will be. Connecting to our intuitive voice allows us to communicate with our partners in a nonviolent way, regardless of the topic. Too often, arguments escalate, and words leave our mouths that we can never put back. If we can hit the PAUSE button and remind ourselves how much we love and care about our partner, there’s hope for a productive discussion.
We can get in the habit of saying what we mean without saying it mean.
A strong, centered voice comes in handy when we feel taken advantage of or misunderstood. It’s just as important when we need to take responsibility for our poor behavior.
As a codependent person, I risk losing my voice entirely in a relationship. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and my partner’s beliefs. The confusion can take a real toll on our self-confidence and self-worth.
So, how do we rediscover our voice and maintain its strength? Let’s get into it!
2. Maintain friendships, hobbies, and interests not shared with your partner
Another side effect of codependency can be neglecting friendships and hobbies. Often, we expect our partner to be our everything, which is not possible. One person cannot be our mother, brother, best friend, sister, father, therapist, workout buddy, wine and painting partner, and so on. Our partners should not have to bear that burden, and neither should we!
When we’re in a relationship, we want to feel like it’s going to work out. But, if it doesn’t, we want to minimize the loss. If we know we can still meet up with Samantha, our buddy from high school, or attend a French class every Tuesday, it lessens the blow. If our only activity for the past, say, three years of a relationship consisted of trivia night with our boyfriend and his friends, and things go south, we’ve just lost a partner, a group of friends, and a fun activity.
It also makes conversations with our partners more interesting. Who wants to be around someone who thinks and experiences the same things we do? BORING.
When we know exactly what we like and want in life, our inner voice grows stronger regardless of what others think. We’re less likely to put up with poor behavior and more likely to respect ourselves and others, which leads me to my next point!
3. Learn to set boundaries
Nobody likes a pushover. Even if it seems like “selfless” and “noble” behavior, our partner’s respect for us inevitably declines every time we decide to be a martyr.
We teach others how to treat us.
Codependents tend to engage in this behavior out of fear of rejection. We want to make the other person happy, so they don’t leave us. Often we assume our partners will do the same when the tables turn, and when they don’t, we feel they’ve taken advantage of us. Our resentments begin to build, and before we know it, we’re blowing up over spilled milk.
SIDE NOTE: It’s never okay to do something generous for someone and then feel like they owe us something. This manipulative, controlling tactic cancels out whatever good intentions we may have. If it’s not for fun and for free, then don’t do it.
A boundary looks like telling our boyfriend or girlfriend not to text us during work hours. It could also look like not canceling dinner with our friend because our partner needs help with a last minute project. Vowing not to wash our partner’s dirty dishes also qualifies as a boundary.
If our partner makes us feel bad for setting a boundary, it’s time to evaluate our relationship. Boundary shunning is a huge red flag and says a lot about a person. We want partners who stand up for themselves, have goals and dreams, value a strong work ethic, and encourage us to do the same. If instead, we have a partner who expects us to drop everything at their beck and call, we’re in for a miserable ride.
4. Make mindfulness practices part of your daily routine.
Thanks to Youtube videos, apps, blogs, and more, we can access a plethora of mindfulness practices. I’ll share some of my favorites!
I enjoy the Ten-Percent Happier app for my meditations. I try to get in at least 10 minutes a day. For breath work, I’ve adopted several Kundalini practices, including the Ego Eradicator. I also like the Wim Hof breathing technique. Like a good little writer, I journal every day, preferably in the morning and at night. And last but not least, positive affirmations declared in the first person while staring in the mirror can turn my day around.
Each practice clears my mind, even if it’s only for a few seconds. I’m training my brain to get quiet and focus, despite the chaos we encounter daily. I can then get to know myself better, without voices from partners, family, friends, and social media sneaking in. And if they do sneak in, which they inevitably will, I can be aware enough to recognize where it’s coming from.
These practices can aid in conflict resolution, decision making, and self-confidence building. I’ve lost count of the amount of times journaling alone revealed what I felt and wanted from a confusing situation.
5. Trust yourself and expect a positive outcome.
NEWSFLASH: We don’t have to tell our partners everything. We don’t have to run everything by our partners, either. As adults, we’re perfectly capable of making a decision without our partner’s approval or opinion.
The less we rely on others to decide what’s best for us, the stronger our sense of self becomes.
Will we fall on our faces? Make the wrong decision? Make an ass of ourselves? Fail?
Yes!
And that’s okay. We’ll learn from our mistakes. And if our partner or friend or family member can’t forgive us or get past whatever error we made that had nothing to do with them, then good bye and good riddance.
The more we listen to ourselves, the more wins we’ll experience and the more confidence we’ll gain. Life inevitably has ups and downs — the good can’t exist without the bad. I would take a life full of ups and downs any day over a plateau. Bigger life, bigger wins, more responsibilities.
SIDE NOTE: In case this isn’t obvious, communication with our partners is crucial — when it relates to the relationship. Other than that, it’s our life, and we make it or break it, so why should we give anyone else that power?
Another general note on positivity — what we look for, we find, and what we believe becomes our reality. Expecting a partner to cheat or looking for evidence won’t make it feel any better when it happens. We might as well assume the best and keep our side of the street clean. The universe reveals to us what we need to know when the time is right.
Cultivating a positive mindset by rephrasing our thoughts and confronting our inner critic makes us happier people overall. If we let stress and future tripping run our lives, our mental and physical health suffers.
Some relationships aren’t worth saving. When we make that realization (when you know you’ll know and you can’t un-know it), it’s best to continue our self-help journey on our own until we’re ready for a healthy partner.
I hope you found this article helpful — best of luck on your journey.
